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* Make sure to pay attention to logical sequencing of ideas. This essay didn’t have any real problems. However, you must remember to introduce a point first and to give explanations and examples after it. Being able to present a well-developed argument in this way is important for both ‘Task Achievement’ and ‘Coherence and Cohesion’. Trying to include too many ideas in the same paragraph or using a complex idea with many sub-parts can cause problems here.
* ‘often discouraged to pursue it.’ (‘discouraged from pursuing it’ is better)
* The conclusion should be a paraphrased restatement of the main ideas.
* There is a lot of topic-specific vocabulary used with precision. At the same time, some word choices sound a bit unusual.5.5/6
