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*The use of “can be of a greater good” is a bit confusing. “The greater good” is a common expression. However, it doesn’t make sense here.
If by “can be of a greater good” you meant to say that the hospitals and schools in cities provide better quality services than the ones in the villages, then it would not be correct.
* “In Addition” (There was no reason to capitalize ‘addition’)
* “they get more opportunities to explore different cultures which also makes them more sociable”
A comma after ‘cultures’ would make this sentence better. Look up ‘when to use commas before which’
* “on the contrary”
* “may lead to some people remain unemployed” (may lead to some people remaining unemployed)
* You raised many relevant points in a clear way. However, we need to not only present ideas. We must ‘extend’ and ‘explain’ them. We must support them with other ideas. Check out the sample essays I shared. There, you will see that the writer introduces a point and then in the next sentence or two develops it further.
Score: 4.5/6
