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* The first body paragraph
The sentence starting with “From organised schedules…” is not complete. I understand that you wrote it as a continuation of ‘activities’ mentioned in the sentence before it. In that kind of situation, you would use either a comma or a semi-colon.
We try to avoid elaborate ideas with many sub-parts because we won’t be able to expand or ‘develop’ them properly. I felt that the ideas in your first body paragraph were a bit crowded together and the sequencing was a bit vague. I shall elaborate this in the class.
* “Children who go against fulfilling the societal norms are frowned upon” We usually use frowned upon with things or activities, not people. “Smoking is frowned upon”. I did find some sentence examples like “Working mothers are frowned upon”. So, it’s probably not wrong, but I still wanted to point it out.
* Usually, each paragraph would address a part of the question : “Why is the tradition of families eating their meals together disappearing?” Answering a question like this in just a single paragraph is definitely challenging and we don’t, in fact we shouldn’t, try to go too deep into it. We present an idea or two and we develop it further. Check out the sample essays I shared.
* I recommend using either ‘in conclusion’ or ‘to conclude’ for the conclusion. It’s overused, but the there are no discourse markers that can truly replace them. Your conclusion presents a few ideas which were never discussed in the essay. This shouldn’t be done unless you are below the word limit and it’s the last option. Otherwise, you should simply restate your main ideas in the conclusion. Again, check out how this is done in the sample essays.
Excellent grammatical control. The coherence, more specifically, the sequencing was a bit weak.
4.5/6
