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Whereas, along with the benefits (,) it came up with significant risks.
Thesis statement could be more effective (could mention problem or solution)
data that are available in (on) the internet,
In body paragraph 1, topic sentence is missing
it is increasing the hacking numbers per day and cyber threats. ( It is increasing the rate of hacking numbers and cyber threats per day)
Along with that, due to too much availability of information over internet causes the risk where a child can (just give a check , the issue is not about availability of too much information but how readily it is available)
potential (potentially) harmful sites
acknowledge their age. (deny their age)
eventually to society. ( to is not required)
as there are both pros and cons for every development that’s happening in the modern world, (I suggest not to project essay as “advantages and disadvantages essay” ; rather it is a problem solution one)
Band : 3/6
