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It can be argued that children perform better at school ,when they are rewarded. (incomplete paraphrasing)
Conclusion and introduction should be in a sync ( unfortunately , this essay is not following this idea)
It would be advisable to write concrete topic sentences ( topic sentence of B.P 1 , could be more effective)
Make use of cohesive devices
segregate different ideas into distinct paragraphs.
Band: 3/6
