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which allows (allow) students to
On the other hand , from my point of view , (you are not suppose to discuss your own view in second body paragraph , you can dedicate a distinct paragraph for this or present in conclusion itself)
after concentration(concentrating) on a heavy (academic) subjects ,
.Art would help to develop creativity (creative) thinking,
In conclusion, despite some drawbacks above (I would suggest better usage of words , as essay doesn’t demand pros and cons but discuss both views and your opinion
Feedback : Introduction and conclusion both could be more impressive.
Band: 3/6
