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Feedback:
-Grammatical errors, subject verb agreement.
-Body paragraph is incoherent.Give a clear topic sentence in the beginning and then elaborate it with supporting details.
Some people believe/think that increasing the government’s focus on reducing environmental and housing problems will lead to the prevention of illness and disease. I do agree with this statement to a great extent. However, I believe that not all of the health issues are avoidable, genetically transformed deformities could be one example.
In the past, it has been seen that officials did try to improve the environment’s health, but it failed drastically. One reason for this could be lower degree of focus. In my opinion, the government should bring in laws that require strict actions on members of society who tend to pollute the environment or ignite housing issues. After achieving the target, food, air wouldn’t be contaminated, which are major sources of illness and disease. Moreover, with proper residents people could prevent themselves from scorching heat or icy cold weather.- proper housing facilities
A study demonstrates that a person whose ancestors had diabetes is more likely to catch it than anyone else. Furthermore, lower physical activities and inappropriate choice of food results in more diseases than pollution or housing problems. We can’t just rely on officials; we also need to protect ourselves by making the right choices about what we consume and do.
Bands – 3.5/6
