-
Some people argue that the lifestyle offered by living in( Not required) the cities is better than living in( that of ) the countryside.
Correct : Some people argue that the lifestyle offered by the cities is better than that of the countryside.
I( In) my opinion, I completely agree with them for many reasons that I will explain in the following paragraphs.
To begin with, urban areas have all the public facilities that serves their population efficiently. For example, high quality ( reputed / well established ) schools and hospitals can be easily accessed by the students and patients, respectively. Also, main airports and governmental institutions are located in these areas. Another point is that there are many job opportunities available in town since all the huge corporates have their main branches in such districts. For instance, the teachers, doctors and engineers can easily apply to multiple company( companies) at the same time to increase their chance(chances) of securing the job they need while staying at( in) the same region and don’t have to leave their families for another sector.
Another way of writing the above sentence – For instance, teachers , doctors and engineers can easily procure employment in their hometown owing to the presence of several corporates in their own city without having to move to other places leaving their families.
On the other hand, rural areas don’t have a diverse number of institutions that provide public services to their society. To illustrate, while having the essential organisations present such as hospitals and schools, they don’t provide as many services as the ones in the municipalities.
Another way of writing the above sentence: This can be evidenced by the fact that despite the presence of essential facilities like hospitals and schools, the services provided are less & inferior than those provided in the municipalities.
Moreover, because there are less companies in the landscape, there are fewer chances for job seekers to be enrolled at or to advance in their careers. An example for that is engineers, they can’t utilize as many resources in such places because either they are not available or not suitable for the farmlands.
Another way of writing- This can be proven by the fact that professionals are deprived of resources in such places either due to its non- availability or unsuitability for their career growth.
In conclusion, living in a city provides many services and facilities for the people while enjoying an amazing lifestyle at a hectic pace.
Another way of writing – In conclusion , a city life provides better services and facilities along with enjoyment and an amazing lifestyle .
Pls see the corrections made above. The corrections are in bold.
Remarks – Well-attempted, well structured with a fair use of cohesive devices. Need to improve upon sentence construction and little bit in Grammar. Do need a slight improvement in vocabulary too.
Task Completion – Good
Coherence and Cohesion – Fair
Lexical Usage- Fair
Grammatical Range and Accuracy – Needs improvement
Band Score- 3.5 / 6
