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In introduction, paraphrasing is not up to the mark, there has been lot of repetition and language has been exactly copied from the question
example in B.P 1, could be presented in a better manner to establish coherence.
sometimes it may get hard for them to get satisfactory jobs (not only because they are very limited in number , but also very tough to get) because very limited jobs are available in the society related to arts whereas they are also very tough to get
On the contrary, art activities may put an extra pressure on children along with their academic performance. As a consequence, sometimes it may get hard for them to get satisfactory jobs because very limited jobs are available in the society related to arts whereas they are also very tough to get. In addition to that, a smaller proportion of parents encourage their off-springs to flourish interest in art subjects. – repetition of idea and language
In conclusion, Even though (some people believe) learning art subjects may have some downsides, I strongly believe it helps pupils recognize their passion which may turn into a career later on in life.
Second B.P, is not satisfactory.
Band : 2.5/6
