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use comma after sir/madam
first of all, stick to the structure of the letter, it should only have one intro paragraph(containing opening line followed by paraphrased topic statement/purpose of writing letter), followed by three body paragraphs, describing the bullet points, one closing line at the end, that’s it. pls follow this format only or else you lose marks for coherence.
secondly, pay heed to task response, read the topic question carefully and write only what is asked in topic. you cannot be wondering if the person you are writing to will help you or not. the question is clearly telling you to tell the manager, what you want him to do, you cant be unsure.
the paragraph where you are telling how you lost the laptop, its very confusing. if you were travelling back from hometown and you were at delhi, then why did you again checked in your luggage and boarded the plan.
you dont have to apologise for a claim or complaint letter unless it’s an apology letter.
yours faithfully, would come in the end not yours sincerely.
first and last name are rightly written
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