[Unknown Member]

In the leisure time of kids, they should be motivated to participate in some team activities by their parents. However, others believe that children should learn how to keep themselves busy. In my opinion, group learning has more merits than self learning. This essay will explore both the sides of this.

To start with, group activities provide many opportunities that would enhance personal development of children such as communication skill and self confidence because they meet with different people and interact with them. Furthermore, as they participate in groups, they know the importance of team work and respect others viewpoints. Leadership quality comes when someone works in a team. For example, these kids are more socialised and more active and even perform better in their schools.

On the other hand, children can also manage their free time on their own. They can use their time according to their choice. This includes many leisure activities like games, painting, swimming and many more. They can manage their time and decide what they want to do in their free time. This develops their decision making process. Children who are managing their time on their own are self dependent. But sometimes, they spend their free time by playing games and using social media that leads to health problems such as obesity and depression.

To conclude, both views have their own benefits as they provide leadership quality and time management skill. However, organised group activities have more plus points because kids can learn different skills and good qualities from each others that necessary for one’s development.

[Shahbaz]

* ‘communication skills’ is almost always used with the plural ‘skills’
* ” they know the importance of team” — I would have used “they would come to know the importance of” or “they would learn the importance of”
* ‘using social media that leads to health problems’ –> ‘and that leads to’ would make the sentence better. It would also be possible to connect these two clauses with a different cohesive device.
* ‘good qualities from each others that necessary for one’s development.’ (good qualities that are necessary – good qualities from each others that are necessary for one’s development )

* Task response : I feel like the ‘your view’ part was not properly expressed. Check out the sample structure I shared.

Score: 4.5/6

Although there are not many issues with this essay, there is still some room for improvement.

[Unknown Member]

Some individuals believe parents should promote their offspring to take part in managed group activities in their leisure time while some individuals also encourage their offspring to learn to spend time with themselves. In this essay, It will be discussed the two viewpoints on how the children should spend their leisure time and I will give my opinion based on below discussions.

Children participating in any group activities develop respect and trust as in any group activity they have to complete the task being a group not individual so to successfully complete the task or activity you need to have trust, empathy, patience and good communication with other participants in the group which not only boast the team spirit behavior of the child but also teach them time management as the art of time utilisation will make them more discipline and enhance their career prospect when they grow old. Therefore, parents should encourage children to get involve in group activities which is the building block of learning new skills in life.

While some people also believe that children should find ways to occupy their unstructured time by their own as the valuable lesson which they learn will carry with them throughout their lives. children who perform activities by their own develop a strong sense of independence they don’t have to be around another person or the group of people at all the time. which will make them socially independent to be comfortable in any situation so parents should teach them to value their own time and let them plan and participate on their own which will help them to handle every type of situation whenever they are not physically present with them.

To conclude, some individual believe that letting children involve in their own activity bring sense of calmness and boast self confidence and self esteem However, in my opinion engaging in group activity builds team skills from young age regardless of age like building relationship with family members, friends, neighbors, colleagues or customer make them a good team player and mastering the art of being a team player will help the child succeed not only just school, but throughout their lives.

[Shahbaz]

* ‘Promote’ does not work here as a synonym of encourage. We encourage someone to do something. However, ‘we promote someone to do something’ is wrong.

* Some missing commas. For example, before ‘while’ in the first sentence.

* ‘It will be discussed the two viewpoints’ – these two viewpoints will be discussed

* ‘any group activities’ (any group activity)

* ‘boast the team spirit’ (boost?)

* ‘will make them more discipline’ (will make them more disciplined)

* The first sentence of the first body paragraph is too long. We do need long, multi-clause sentences in our IELTS essay. You shouldn’t try to write only shorter sentences. However, if the sentence is too long that the reader forgets how it started by the time they get to its end, then you probably need to break it up into smaller sentences.

* ‘ to get involve’ ( to get involved)

* Please review ‘the passive voice’. Make sure your passive voice sentences use the participles properly.

* In the conclusion, you don’t necessarily have to write ‘some individuals believe…’. You can present both views even without doing so.

* Task response : I feel like the ‘your view’ part was not properly expressed. Check out the sample structure I shared.

Score: 4/6

[Unknown Member]

According to data collected from survey some people have given an answer
that children should be encouraged by their parents to take part in
organized group activities in their spare time and the rest have said
that it is a good learning curve for children to occupy themselves on their
own. This essay will portray both the views and what my thought process
says.

Some children need to fill gaps in their personality like knowing how
to do team work, having spirit of sportsmanship. These children should be encouraged to take part in group
activities. Other children want to find what they really enjoy doing
in their free time and should be left on their own.
In Group activities we can learn from others but it is good for only those
that can take advantage of it and children left on their own should also make the most of it. Parents should not force things onto their children and have communication at a regular basis.

My thought process says that children should be left on their own to
explore what they like in their free time. As they are already taking
part in group activities at school. Being on their own teaches them how
to become independent and it builds strong intuition. Before the world of internet
it was impossible to play a game of chess on our own but now one can play
against the computer. There are many other things that internet has made
possible. In group activities there is chance of child’s voice getting suppressed and bad company can
lead to disastrous results. Children should work on their own ideas in
their spare time and try to find like minded to work on the idea.
Parents should have a watch on them so that they
don’t go in the wrong direction.

To conclude, there are pros and cons to both the sides and it
completely depends on the child’s mental state but
according to me they should be left on their own in their spare time
so that they can explore their ideas.

[Shahbaz]

* “According to data collected from survey” – A sentence like this would be acceptable as an example to support an argument in the body paragraphs. We don’t, however, use sentences like this one in the introductory paragraph. Here, the question does not mention any survey.

* ‘Good learning curve’ sounds wrong, especially if you mean ‘a learning experience’. We sometimes say ‘a steep learning curve’. Please check a definition and make sure if you have used it correctly.

* ‘In Group activities’ (unnecessary capital letter , and a comma should have followed it)

* The sequencing of ideas in the first paragraph can be improved. The second paragraph was much better in this regard and the ideas were clearer and well-developed.

* ‘try to find like minded to work on the idea.’ (like-minded what? I think you mean ‘like-minded friends’ or ‘peers’)

4.5/6

[Unknown Member]

Some people say that parents should motivate their children to be a part in group activities. Others say that children should learn to occupy themselves on their own. In my opinion, spending time alone has more cons than being engaged with group activities. This essay will discuss both the views.

To begin with, children have to take part in organized group activities in their leisure time so that, they can enhance their skills. Their soft skills will develop when they mingle with other children. Activities other than studies such as swimming class, dance class, music class, abacus class and drawing class make them to improve their creativity and nourish their hidden talent.

In addition to that, children spending their time alone will become introvert when they grow up. Children expect to spend time with their parents. If the parents are not available in their world when they are young, they will lack love of their parents. Loneliness will leave a scar on their life which leads to psychological problem. Children have to be scrutinized by their family members. They should have a mentor to correct their mistakes and to encourage them to achieve greater things in their life.

To conclude with, children will be more active in groups than alone. Children in groups have good mental health than children spending their time alone. They tries to grab others attention which gives them pleasure. If parents are not present in their children’s world today, then they cannot be available in their tomorrow’s world.

[Shahbaz]

* ‘to be a part of’
* Please look up sentences with ‘so that’ . Here, ‘leisure time so that, they can enhance their skills’ the comma after so that was not needed.
* ‘make them to improve their creativity’ (‘make them improve’ [we don’t use ‘to’ with ‘make + + noun/pronoun + verb ] ‘help them improve’ would have been better here )
* ‘children spending their time alone will become introvert’ (introverts)
* ‘They tries to’ (They try to)

This was one of your best essays in comparison. It had fewer errors and many well-written sentences. However, there are still quite a few noticeable errors.

4.5/6

[Unknown Member]

Kids are often motivated by their folks to participate in team activities in their free time. According to some people it is equally important for children to learn to spend time in their own company. This essay will discuss both sides of the argument and explain the writer’s opinion.

If we consider western culture and upbringing of children, we usually hear a lot about involvement in extracurricular activities. From organised schedules after school hours to weekends filled with either socialising or grooming to become a better version of ourselves. Children try to fit in as if it is a race even if they feel lost. Children who go against fulfilling the societal norms are frowned upon or end up becoming rebels. The difference in generations between parents and their children comes as a clash in opinions and dreams. For instance, taking piano lessons or learning ballet has become a norm that should be followed in order to get ahead.

Young children seldom spend time on doing things that they actually like. Developing our identity from a young age helps us in many ways when we grow up. It not only makes us independent but also increases our self-awareness and understanding of the world around us. For example, reading a book with a cup of coffee after a busy week brings us peace that taking part in group exercises never would.

Overall, spending time by ourselves makes us feel more comfortable and able on our own. Although there is little attention given to creating and displaying ourselves from a young age, I think as the world is getting technologically advanced, it is also becoming rather modernized. Our social media feeds are filled with quotes about self-love, self-respect, and enjoying alone time. Being alone does not necessarily mean you are lonely.

[Shahbaz]

* The first body paragraph

The sentence starting with “From organised schedules…” is not complete. I understand that you wrote it as a continuation of ‘activities’ mentioned in the sentence before it. In that kind of situation, you would use either a comma or a semi-colon.

We try to avoid elaborate ideas with many sub-parts because we won’t be able to expand or ‘develop’ them properly. I felt that the ideas in your first body paragraph were a bit crowded together and the sequencing was a bit vague. I shall elaborate this in the class.

* “Children who go against fulfilling the societal norms are frowned upon” We usually use frowned upon with things or activities, not people. “Smoking is frowned upon”. I did find some sentence examples like “Working mothers are frowned upon”. So, it’s probably not wrong, but I still wanted to point it out.

* Usually, each paragraph would address a part of the question : “Why is the tradition of families eating their meals together disappearing?” Answering a question like this in just a single paragraph is definitely challenging and we don’t, in fact we shouldn’t, try to go too deep into it. We present an idea or two and we develop it further. Check out the sample essays I shared.

* I recommend using either ‘in conclusion’ or ‘to conclude’ for the conclusion. It’s overused, but the there are no discourse markers that can truly replace them. Your conclusion presents a few ideas which were never discussed in the essay. This shouldn’t be done unless you are below the word limit and it’s the last option. Otherwise, you should simply restate your main ideas in the conclusion. Again, check out how this is done in the sample essays.

Excellent grammatical control. The coherence, more specifically, the sequencing was a bit weak.

4.5/6

[Unknown Member]

Some scholars argue that youngsters ought to participate in activities arranged with their peers whereas other scholars consider individual activities to be more beneficial in order to bring up more skilled generations. It is agreed that children can discover their interests and talents through group events. This essay will discuss firstly, the influence of individual events on kids and secondly, the benefits of group activities; followed by a well-reasoned conclusion.

To begin with, allowing children to enjoy their leisure time alone and without any interference might help them develop relatively more independent personalities whereas this may lead to them adopting an isolated lifestyle and thus feeling excluded from society. This way, they are prone to obtain detrimental behaviors and addictions such as drug abuse, smoking addiction, and sexual diseases. Moreover, all children require to be guided by experienced adults to find the right path in their lives however, they are very likely to make the wrong choices in their careers and relationships without the essential guidance and associations.

Conversely, encouraging youth to attend activities organized with a group of people will be substantially beneficial for their career and future life. Youngsters can learn how to become decent members of society and improve their interpersonal and teamwork skills by interacting with people having different lifestyles and cultural backgrounds as well as discovering their interests. A recent report in “The Times” stated that the students who received education in pre-schools, where kids can get involved with various events, achieve better results in business than those who started school later. Therefore, it can obviously be seen that kids should be motivated to be a part of a certain organization where they can socialize and take responsibility to develop better skills.

In conclusion, while some think that allowing youth to enjoy their free time without assistance should be encouraged in order that they become more independent, involving in organized activities will result in a better career and family life for them.

[Shahbaz]

* Please look up ‘sentence examples with ‘whereas” . Sometimes, commas are used before ‘whereas’.
* ‘the right path in their lives however, they are very likely’ ( I feel like the a second sentence could have started from ‘however’ here. Without even a comma, I think this is what grammarians call a ‘fused sentence’)
* ‘pre-schools, where kids can get involved with various events, achieve better’ (Please look up ‘when to use commas with relative clauses‘. If I’m not wrong, the commas are not needed here)

Score:5/6

There is good grammatical control and a developed range of vocabulary. I recommend re-reading your essays and looking more closely at the lexical and grammatical choices to find things that can be improved.