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Thanks to these prime reasons is not apt for an essay. Rather, try using other expressions like owing to or due to or because of
Using real life examples in your body paragraph makes it look as if you have less reasons to back your point or opinion. Rather you can use two reasons to back same point
Moreover, it just adds to your essay with content which is not your’s. Essay is a test of your productive skills in English language and not your general knowledge
Second body paragraph is to address your second point of opinion, which is why it should not start with furthermore. Secondly/lastly/finally/another reason can be used to begin second body paragraph
Use furthermore where you are continuing or adding to the explanation of one point but with different example or reason
Rest, body structure and grammatically it’s fine. But try using gerunds by beginning a sentence with ‘ing’ word in your paragraphs, it helps to elicit better scores
4.5/6
