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AdministratorJuly 7, 2021 at 7:08 PM600 Network PointsActivity Points 3610
Open-air activities are considered by few people to be more useful for kids’ development than video games. In my opinion, I totally agree with them for several reasons (which I will be explaining in the next few paragrpahs)
At first, external (outdoor) sports are essential for the children’s physical health which is an important part of their growth. For example, cycling can improve their strength, balance and coordination. Furthermore, outdoor(field) exercises can improve the little ones’ social behavior through interaction with their peers. To elaborate, playing football teaches them teamwork and enhances their abilities to communicate with others efficiently.
On the contrary, playing computer games can have positive effects on young ones. While expanding their imagination, they improve their strategic thinking skills. For instance, space war games challenge the players to come up with defending strategies to overcome their opponents. Moreover, when teenagers spend most of their time on electronic gaming, they are avoiding committing dangerous acts on the streets. This is because their time is occupied already and they don’t think about wild adventures such as dangerous sports, stealing cars or fighting with their friends.
However, there are some disadvantages to video games. Due to the limited physical interaction(movement), players may develop some serious health issues including muscle and joint illnesses. Although computer gaming provides some safety for the community, it isolates the kids from their family and society and severely affects their mental health.
In conclusion, children can benefit from both external activities and computer games if they utilize them wisely. The advantages of outdoor sports can be more beneficial for the young members of society than the computerized ones.
Except the highlighted words everything looks fine in terms of sentence construction.
In terms of the structure, the essay seems a little scattered in opinion. The consistency is missing. You agreed that outdoor activities are better than video games but in the conclusion you made the opinion ambiguous, it needs to be consistent with your thesis statement.
Area of improvement:
Lexical Ability (use more sophisticated vocabulary wherever possible.)