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Introduction- paraphrase the question statement, include the main points in your thesis statement
BP 1: will be avoided- can be avoided- use the modal verb to show the possibility
unison- incorrect word choice
thus is used twice- shows redundancy
BP 2: Avoid using for example as it is quite common- use for instance or take for example
be even knowing- even know
will be happening- can happen
Conclusion- just sum up your main points
BS: 4/6 Keep Working.
