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Feedback:
Introduction could be better, there is no thesis statement included in your introduction which is a major problem.
Quite a few grammatical errors noted, some are major.
Conclusion should be included in only one paragraph instead of two.
Sentence construction could be improved, sometimes it feels like there is no relation among different sentences, there are some dangling errors in terms of subject and object placement.
Band Score:4.0/6.0
