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Feedback: Avoid connecting all the sentences with “as”, use other transitional words. Use words forms meticulously “dramatic changes”, Body paragraph 1, last line , “moreover” is not required. Don’t use transition words unnecessarily . Pay attention on “it’s Vs its” . “At early age” is the correct usage. Sometimes it feels like there is no logical connection among different sentences, especially in body paragraph 2.
Band Score : 3/6
