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Dear Vaibhav
The essay has been beautifully structured and organised but unfortunately you have gone principally wrong.
In agree /disagree essays it is always better to take a strong stand in the beginning itself which you have taken saying that you disagree with it. But in Body Paragraph -1 you have given strong points in favour of the same. If you have disagreed then your body paragraphs should be writing reasons in support of disagreement and not agreement.
If you wanted to partially agree with the given statement then you could have mentioned a concession statement in the introductory paragraph with reason.
You can show the other side of the argument in concession statements, but these should be done only in one or two sentences.
Thesis statement could have been added which clears the direction of the essay in the beginning only.
WHAT IS A THESIS STATEMENT?
A thesis statement is a sentence in the introduction which…
tells the reader your opinion
about the subject of the question.
may also give the reader
information about the organization of the essay.
is the final sentence of the
introduction.We cannot agree and disagree with the same thing.
Strong one –sided essays generally score more . Partial essays don’t score more.
I would not give any feedback here as you have principally gone wrong. Pls write again keeping the above points in mind.
