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You have exceeded word limit by almost 100 words, which is sheer waste of time and energy and above all you have not planned your letter at all. All your points are entangled with each other, you
Second line mentioning reaching of your home safely is irrelevant
then you suddenly began to expand 1st bullet point(accompanying and accommodating)
Then you wrote purpose of writing this letter which should be the second line of you letter and part of intro.
Try making informal letter more chatty and friendly sounding.
Keep the intro short and crisp, with only intro line/opening line such as: i hope all is well on your side or i hope you all are doing great or i hope this letter finds you fit as fiddle or i hope this letter finds you in best of health, so on and finally with the purpose of writing the letter for instance in this letter – i’m writing this letter to ask you to send my yellow envelop, that i left on the table beside the bed in the room i stayed.
There are frequent grammatical errors in your writing. Tenses are not appropriate in many places-
while unpacking, I have realised that I have forgot my envelope => while unpacking, i realised that i have forgotten my envelope…
Make different paragraph for each bullet point, dont combine your intro with 1st bullet point. And plan your letter before beginning to write. Use as many contractions (i’ve, i’m, can’t, don’t, shouldn’t, wouldn’t, etc) as possible and do not digress from the points instructed to write on. It costs you marks for task response. Write only relevant and necessary information. Last paragraph that you have written is not required. Finish expanding the three bullet points and end your letter with just one closing line as you have written (Hope to see you soon.)
In the end, write only one thing before first name followed by comma
Regards/love/miss you,
Nilesh
1/3
