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Intro and BP1 needs to be separately written, which you have merged.
Write only opening line and paraphrased topic sentence/purpose of writing letter in intro. Then expand 1st bullet point in a new paragraph which will become BP1.
Convey my special THANKS to you
That you have gifted TO ME on my special day, which made my birthday more special AND that is all because of you. Dont use AMPERSAND- & in any writing section, it’s not a contraction but a symbol.
I can’t express my GRATITUDE ENOUGH for receiving this gift. (PLS MAKE SURE TO REVISE YOUR WRITING AFTER COMPLETING)
Its like world is tied TO my wrist
Everything is on fingertips.
Flamboyant LOOKS of the watch LURES ME TOWARDS IT
Gifted me Iphone 12 Pro, as it was my 21st birthday.
What else COULD i want, it felt as if i was on cloud 9
My besties ARRANGED a PARTY HALL FOR GET TOGETHER in one of the LONAVALA’S RESORTS for birthday bash. – { make the first sentence past, you wrote it in present tense}
Our entire group was there BUT YOU or EXCEPT YOU. {DONT USE BUT AND EXCEPT TOGETHER}
WE SPENT WHOLE DAY IN THE POOL, where we played lots of games, followed by….. and enjoyment for THE entire night.
Memorable birthday celebration I ever had in my life.
I really missed you or you were really missed on that occasion
BOTTOM OF MY HEART sounds lame and a remembered phrase
Either take care or cheers should be used not both of them, followed by comma
And finally first name(which you have rightly written)
Structure needs to be worked upon. Many sentences could have been made complex but you wrote simple sentences in all the places which shows that you lack in grammatical range.
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