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The graph provides information regarding thefts per thousand for vehicles in Great Britain, France, Sweden, and Canada from 1990 to 1999. Overall, the thefts have declined for Great Britain, France, and Canada whilst it rose for Sweden throughout.
Great Britain has stayed at the pinnacle for thefts than (among) all other countries for a decade. In 1990 France and Canada stood well below that of Great Britain at just around 8 and 7 thefts respectively (as) opposite (opposed) to approx (approximately) 17 thefts ( in Great Britain). Moreover, a similar (downward) trend has been shown by Great Britain, France, and Canada with having an almost constant difference of about 10 thefts each year. Great Britain in 1990 ended up striking the lowest thefts of around 14 per thousand.
Sweden Started with its lowest figure of approx (approximately)5 thefts in 1990. It kept rising since (then) and stood at the same mark as France of around 6 thefts in 1991. Over the decade, the difference between thefts for Great Britain and Sweden shrunk down by almost five times (one –fifth of) the previous value.
Observations :
Please see the corrections above in bold.
1. Superlative will never take ‘than’ which is only used for comparative {the pinnacle for thefts than (among)}
2. Informal language should be avoided which includes short forms like ‘approx’
3. Comparisions should be clear with the names of the countries clearly written
4. Similar downtrend should be clearly stated as ‘downward’ or ‘upwards’.
5. Increased by 5 times and shrunk to one –fifth / shrunk down by four-fifths
6. As opposed to – in contrast with.
Feedback:
The answer has an appropriate introduction which the candidate has attempted to express in his/her own words. There is good coverage of the data and a brief reference to contrasting trends. The answer can be followed although only limited cohesive devices have been used. In order to gain a higher mark for content, the candidate would be expected to select the salient features of the graph and comment primarily on these. The grouping is not very clear from the paragraphs which needs to be illustrated well. Use of informal words like ‘approx’ should be avoided and fractional phrases have been used inappropriately in places.
Band Score : 2/3
