AbhinavAdministratorSeptember 13, 2021 at 9:29 PM
Introduction is too long for an IELTS essay introduction. As I mentioned in the discussion in the class and introduction only consists of paraphrasing of the question and a thesis statement that’s it. You have mentioned quite a few points in your introduction which could have been written in the body paragraphs.
The first body paragraph itself is very short and it does not follow the instructions given in the class. It needs to have a sentence which declares your reason, further more you need to elaborate your reasons and ultimately you need to provide some examples.
There are also a lot of grammatical errors that are noted in your writing. You did try to include a lot of good vocabulary words however since the structure is not correct it’s not going to help your score.
Band score weightage: 2.0/6.0