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[words in bold are corrections]
* The essay is much longer than it needs to be. Although there is no upper word limit in the writing test, a longer essay might contain irrelevant ideas. In this essay, it does seem at times like you have tried to include many ideas. Check out the sample Task 2 essays that I shared with you. Carefully look at how the ‘topic sentence(s)’ of each paragraph (the first sentence) is then elaborated in the ‘supporting sentences’ that follow it. Very often, what we need is not more ideas, but better articulation and ‘expansion’ of the ideas we present.
* “this deficiency of skills occurs“
* “it becomes inevitable to escape the rat race” (The meaning that this sentence is trying to convey is not clear. Are you saying it’s necessary/important to escape the rat race? If so, ‘inevitable’ would not fit here.
* “adequate exposure to real life circumstances.”
* In my opinion, ‘significantly essential’ does not collocate well.
* Please check if ‘go complacent’ is correct. I think it should be ‘become complacent’Overall, your essay demonstrates excellent range and accuracy in grammar and vocabulary.
5/6
