ShahbazAdministratorOctober 26, 2021 at 12:28 PM
* ‘Promote’ does not work here as a synonym of encourage. We encourage someone to do something. However, ‘we promote someone to do something’ is wrong.
* Some missing commas. For example, before ‘while’ in the first sentence.
* ‘It will be discussed the two viewpoints’ – these two viewpoints will be discussed
* ‘any group activities’ (any group activity)
* ‘boast the team spirit’ (boost?)
* ‘will make them more discipline’ (will make them more disciplined)
* The first sentence of the first body paragraph is too long. We do need long, multi-clause sentences in our IELTS essay. You shouldn’t try to write only shorter sentences. However, if the sentence is too long that the reader forgets how it started by the time they get to its end, then you probably need to break it up into smaller sentences.
* ‘ to get involve’ ( to get involved)
* Please review ‘the passive voice’. Make sure your passive voice sentences use the participles properly.
* In the conclusion, you don’t necessarily have to write ‘some individuals believe…’. You can present both views even without doing so.
* Task response : I feel like the ‘your view’ part was not properly expressed. Check out the sample structure I shared.