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* “According to data collected from survey” – A sentence like this would be acceptable as an example to support an argument in the body paragraphs. We don’t, however, use sentences like this one in the introductory paragraph. Here, the question does not mention any survey.
* ‘Good learning curve’ sounds wrong, especially if you mean ‘a learning experience’. We sometimes say ‘a steep learning curve’. Please check a definition and make sure if you have used it correctly.
* ‘In Group activities’ (unnecessary capital letter , and a comma should have followed it)
* The sequencing of ideas in the first paragraph can be improved. The second paragraph was much better in this regard and the ideas were clearer and well-developed.
* ‘try to find like minded to work on the idea.’ (like-minded what? I think you mean ‘like-minded friends’ or ‘peers’)
4.5/6
