AdministratorDecember 8, 2021 at 9:08 AM
It is argued by some people that setting a standard retirement age for everyone without considering their working conditions is not a righteous decision and they should retire particularly depending on their own occupation instead of a general approach. It is agreed ( This essay agrees) with this opinion since different working environments have a different effect on humans. Therefore, people who experience extreme conditions while working must be treated individually in terms of retirement age.
It is undeniably true that all occupations have their own pros and cons however, some of them can be more stressful and demanding than others. As a matter of fact, workers are exposed to different conditions depending on their workloads, colleagues, and places where they work. Consequently, this will lead to a variety (variation)in their working ability to (upto) a certain age. For this reason, authorities should classify all the working groups on a risk scale spanning from the most hazardous one to the least considering all the detrimental factors to the workers’ health. Based on this classification, it will be possible to determine the optimum age to retire for an individual.
Even though it is considered by some people that blue-collars and white-collars are equally suffering while working, it would be unfair to say that, when considering the fact that blue-collars become both mentally and physically fatigued after long and exhausting years of work, unlike white collars who experience only mental exhaustion. To illustrate, a computer engineer working in his office is less likely to have an industrial accident and occupational disease than an operator in the metal production industry.
To conclude, all employees should not be treated (equally)when it comes to determining a retirement age hence(as), they work in different environments. The workers who have occupations requiring physical and mental power ought to retire sooner than the ones having relatively lighter workloads.
Please check the words in bold above for corrections ,
An impressive piece of writing overall though you have gone wrong with use of words in quite a few places which will limit your score for incorrect framing of sentences. The organizational structure is good with good use of linking words. Example could have been added in body paragraph 1.
Band Score : 4.5/6