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In introduction, thesis statement is not highlighting your viewpoint ( as question demands; do you think merits outweigh the demerits)
Recently, trends suggests (suggest), the option
, it would (require) proper planning and synchronization
well for safer and healthier upbringing of their sibling (child).
it is more convenient for youngers (younger) parents to serve their child as compared to the older one’s (ones)
modern demands expects (expect) parents t (to) be versatile
sibling. – this word has been used inappropriately ; sibling means brother or sister.
. However, care must to(be) taken
Feedback : an effort to use different sentence structure and lexical resources is appreciated. There has been clear overall progression throughout , but there were places where use of lexical resources could establish even better cohesion ( for instance, for example etc.). Be cautious with subject – verb agreement.
Keep writing!!
Band: 4/6
