Student Saad
StudentForum Replies Created
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Although providing a statistical example is not necessary at all. Avoid using particular examples and statements. Use more generalised statements.
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Sakshi, a lot of repetition is found in paragraph 2, and also if you’re quoting statistical data, you need to mention the source also, it makes the writing more impactful. And also work on your punctuations, there are some misuses to be found.
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‘Nowadays’ is one word.
Mostly in english language essays, avoid using ‘&’ or any other shortcuts for a word. The coherence between paragraph 2 and 3 is good and is well-structured.
Work more on the conclusion and the choice of your words.
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Giving a personal example is high relativeness but you should use better devices to represent it, for eg- ‘Personally’, ‘In my opinion’, etc. Otherwise the essay is concise and touches upon almost all aspects of the aforementioned subject.
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The essay touches on all aspects of the question asked, however, in paragraph 2 there is lack of relativeness and the ending of the same is filled with big words but the syntax/ meaning is not very clear.
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Make paragraph 2 incline more towards the impact of junk food, rather than mentioning the types of junk foods and there is also repetition, use ‘moreover’ or other cohesive devices not more than once in the same sentence/ line.
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Work on your introduction and the syntax of the essay. You should make it more clear and work on the use of adjectives.
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The essay is concise and the choice of words have developed a coherence all throughout.
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Work on your grammar and towards making relevance between all the three paragraphs. You should work on generating better ideas and including them in your essays.
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The essay covers all the prevalent ideas that were represented. Just one thing, when you quote a research article you should never use “for example”. I noticed that you have addressed the two parts separately, if that can be combined it would made for better referral.
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In the introductory paragraph, the syntax, grammar and punctuations are wrong, you shouldn’t use sentences like “since obesity is main”, etc. Overall, work on your punctuation errors and also recognise the syntax of your essay by reading it thoroughly.
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Rahul, you need to think of a better beginning towards the essay and if you’re quoting famous food-chains, make sure to always use capitalisation and use the correct spellings, if you do not know the correct, its better to use something more generalised. A coherence is not adjusted between paragraph three and conclusion.
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Haritha, don’t use capitalisation after punctuations. Your writing is conclusive and it contains most of the points, although a more conceptual clarity would entail better results. It’d better if you give more concise points. In the third paragraph, you need to work on the syntax and cohesiveness of the text and in the second paragraph, make use of better adjectives rather than ‘unsurprisingly’, etc.
