[Deepak]

Dear XXXX,

To begin with, I would like to express my sincere gratitude for the watch you have sent to me as my birthday present. I have always admired your choice and this too is not an exception. You will be amazed to know that I always wanted to have this kind of watch for me. However, it would have been better, if you could present the wrist watch in person to me.

Although it has been your loss as we had a grand birthday bash in the evening. Our whole batch has graced the occasion and it was quite an evening as we danced for more than three hours before proceeding for dinner.

You will be glad to know that Max, Harry & Jim have collectively gifted me a ticket for concert and Kelly brought a leather jacket for me. It was an evening to remember and I will cherish it for years to come.

Lastly, I would like to once again say thank you for your lovely present.

Thanks

ZZZZ

[NIL Admin]

If you could have presented the watch in person.

It was an excellent piece of writing. Really commendable. I have no new remarks except the one I mentioned above.

Band Score: 2.5/3.0

[Amit]

Hi John,

Hope you are doing well and I trust that you enjoyed my birthday party on last Sunday.

I’m penning down to say thank you for such a wonderful smart watch gift which is one of the best present I have received in last few years. Actually you presence on my celebration was meant a lot more than gift for me. However I really appreciate your selection about watch, the color, designing belt and stylist dialer has mesmerized me when we show it. Ever since I have been wearing all the day.

By the way, I’ve received more than twelve various overwhelmed gifts on that day, out of those, A book on Greek incent found more exciting gift as I Just walk through the few pages and seems going to be more interesting further.

Although the It was so busy day, I enjoyed a lot by spending quality time with family in the morning and followed by lunch in the hotel and evening was amazing with friends and family, before you joined we played games but we enjoyed dance together after cake cutting.

Well, catch you on next weekend and thanks again for an adorable present surprise.

Best wishes,

ZZ

[Dipinder]

Try writing paraphrased topic question/purpose of writing after opening line in intro.

Smart watch gift which is one of the best present i have… – Smart watch as a gift, which is one of the best PRESENTS i have…

Avoid using words such as ACTUALLY/BASICALLY on the first place and if you have to, then use comma after actually

Actually, YOUR presence during the celebration meant a lot, EVEN more than THE gift TO ME.

Use comma after HOWEVER

HOWEVER, i really appreciate your choice of watch, the colour, DESIGNER STRAP, STYLISH DIAL, which has mesmerised me and makes me feel proud to show it to everyone

Ever since you presented the watch to me, i’ve been wearing it all the time.

I’ve received more than twelve OVERWHELMING gifts for my birthday, out of those, i found a book on Greek incent most exciting since, it’s getting more interesting as i’m reading it.

(I couldnt find the meaning of word INCENT, that could make sense in above sentence)

ALTHOUGH, it was a busy day, i enjoyed… USE COMMA AFTER ALTHOUGH

spending quality time with family in the morning, followed by- Dont use AND, use COMMA before followed by because you are using AND again in the sentence later

Begin new sentence from before you joined

But at least we enjoyed DANCING together after cake cutting. By adding AT LEAST you will make clear that during dancing your friend was present along with others.

Thanks again for an adorable surprise gift. {either write this way or WRITE either of surprise or present}

I recommend to use any fictitious FIRST name instead of ZZ OR XYZ

rest structure of letter is perfect, along with above mentioned corrections, do work on punctuations, they are worth marks

1.5/3

[Amit]

Thank for your detailed review 😀, I will definitely work on highlighted points.

[Nilesh]

Dear John,

I am writing this letter to convey my special t<font face=”inherit”>hank you for such wowsome “iWatch” that you have gifted my on my special day. This gift has made my birthday more special & this was because of you only. I </font>couldn’t<font face=”inherit”> express my beatitude after seeing this gift.</font>

What I can say about this iWatch. Its like world is tied up to my wrist. Everything is accessible on through fingertips. World class features like daily exercise goals, target achievements, all sports mode & particularly flamboyant look of this watch makes more lured to me. Moreover, my parents have gifted me iPhone 12 Pro being it was my 21st Birthday. What else I want. I was like on cloud 9.

The cherry on top, My besties have arranged get together in one of the Lonavala resort for birthday bash. Our entire group was there but except you. We were in pool for whole day where we played lots of games followed by DJ night with full on dance and enjoyment for entire night. It was truly memorable birthday celebration ever had in my life. I was really missed you on this occasion.

Once again, thank you so much from bottom of my heart for this adorable gift. I will cherish this gift for rest of my life. Hope to see you soon.

Take care.

Cheers!

Nilesh

[Dipinder]

Intro and BP1 needs to be separately written, which you have merged.

Write only opening line and paraphrased topic sentence/purpose of writing letter in intro. Then expand 1st bullet point in a new paragraph which will become BP1.

Convey my special THANKS to you

That you have gifted TO ME on my special day, which made my birthday more special AND that is all because of you. Dont use AMPERSAND- & in any writing section, it’s not a contraction but a symbol.

I can’t express my GRATITUDE ENOUGH for receiving this gift. (PLS MAKE SURE TO REVISE YOUR WRITING AFTER COMPLETING)

Its like world is tied TO my wrist

Everything is on fingertips.

Flamboyant LOOKS of the watch LURES ME TOWARDS IT

Gifted me Iphone 12 Pro, as it was my 21st birthday.

What else COULD i want, it felt as if i was on cloud 9

My besties ARRANGED a PARTY HALL FOR GET TOGETHER in one of the LONAVALA’S RESORTS for birthday bash. – { make the first sentence past, you wrote it in present tense}

Our entire group was there BUT YOU or EXCEPT YOU. {DONT USE BUT AND EXCEPT TOGETHER}

WE SPENT WHOLE DAY IN THE POOL, where we played lots of games, followed by….. and enjoyment for THE entire night.

Memorable birthday celebration I ever had in my life.

I really missed you or you were really missed on that occasion

BOTTOM OF MY HEART sounds lame and a remembered phrase

Either take care or cheers should be used not both of them, followed by comma

And finally first name(which you have rightly written)

Structure needs to be worked upon. Many sentences could have been made complex but you wrote simple sentences in all the places which shows that you lack in grammatical range.

1/3

[Vaibhav]

Dear John,

Thank you for the marvellous present you have gifted me this Birthday, the watch looks astonishing and works like a charm, not to mention, this has become my favourite of all the watches I have and I love to wear it on all sorts of occasions.

Well, there were some other gifts which I liked too such as a poker set which was gifted by my neighbours, the gaming set is big enough for all of us to play together unlike the other one we have. I would love to play poker with you all at the next party which I will be hosting on the approaching festive weekend.

This birthday, I really did some rejuvenating activities which I had been willing to do for a long time; I started my day with an early morning brisk walk and had a lovely discourse with my school friends.

I hope to meet you at our house party this coming weekend, your presence is always cherished.

Best Regards,

Vaibhav.

[NIL Admin]

The opening line of the letter could have been better because it’s too abrupt starting with thank you. Except that everything looks pretty good. Lexical resources are utilised properly and the grammatical range is appropriate for this question.

Band Score: 2.5/3.0

[Tanya]

Hello Mary,

I am writing this letter to express my happiness on receiving the present you gave me on my birthday.

I would first like to thank you for the watch you gave me as it is very pleasing with lots of captivating features. I always had a fascination with this brand and the best thing I like about it is its color as it will go with every outfit.

I was fortunate to receive many gifts on my birthday like a wallet, mobile case, makeup kit etc. One of my friends gave me headphone which is also very special as I was thinking to buy it from so many days.

It was one of the best birthdays I ever had. I started the day by dressing up at my best and then went shopping with my family. In the evening, all my friends took me to a karaoke restaurant for a surprise party and I did a lot of singing and dancing there.

Hope to meet you soon again.

Best Wishes,

Tanya Gupta

[Dipinder]

Opening line along with paraphrased topic sentence is requisite in intro

On receiving the present you gave TO me on my birthday

Thank you for the watch you gave TO me – {this sentence is repeating. You wrote this similarly in intro, pls paraphrase it}

Either write – the best thing about it is, or the best thing THAT i like about it is, { add comma after is}

HEADPHONES always plural like scissors/pants

HEADPHONES, Which is also very special TO ME, as…

As i was thinking to buy one FOR many days – { write planning instead of thinking}

It was one of the best birthdays i ever had – it was one of the best birthdays i have ever had or it was one of the best birthdays of my life

Then went FOR shopping with my family.

YOU HAVE TO USE CONTRACTIONS WHEREVER POSSIBLE IN INFORMAL LETTER. – i’m/i’d

USE PUNCTUATIONS WHERE NECESSARY

YOU HAVE MADE SIMPLE SENTENCES, USE COMPLEX SENTENCES TO SHOW GRAMMATICAL RANGE

STRUCTURE OF THE LETTER IS FINE, JUST IMPROVE THE INTRO, WHICH I HAVE ALREADY MENTIONED ABOVE

WRITE ONLY FIRST NAME IN THE END IN INFORMAL LETTER

1.5/3