Faculty Abhinav
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7 Band Answer by a student:
Many argue that people should act in accordance with the culture of the place they are visiting, It seems the more most apt thing to do while on vacation. This essay will look into the importance of respecting different cultures and traditions of different people when we abroad, and opine my opinions in conclusion.
To begin with, there are certain countries whose cultures are completely opposite of the rest of the world. For example, In Saudia Arabia, women and men are required to wear modest clothes whenever they go out in public. So whenever, a person visiting from abroad is visiting the country has to be mindful of this rule. Thus, it is important to be respectful towards the law of the country and abide them. Similarly, when people visit another country, its mostly to explore their culture and food. For instance, many tourists visit Thailand mainly for their unique food taste that they cannot find elsewhere, so I believe its ideal to eat local food while we visit a new country.
But it’s not necessary to adhere all the customs, like taking the example of Saudia Arabia, it is compulsory for Saudi women to wear hijab in public, but if we are visiting in the country, we should not change our appearance just to blend in it. Similarly, many people try to adopt the language by copying the local’s accent, which can in many cases offend the locals and they find it as their mimicry. For example, Many people trying to learn Arabic words but not pronouncing it clearly might tick off many Arabs.
To sum up, I believe, it is good to adapt to local culture by eating their food and being respectful towards their religious beliefs but we have to be careful while doing so that it should not look like we are tyring imitate them.
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Band 8.5 Answer
Nowadays, travelling become popular and easy compared to the past. Some people believe that visitors should follow the traditions of the host country where they visit. In my opinion, I partly agree with this and I will explain more details in the following paragraphs.
On the one hand, every country is trying to improve and promote their tourism industry with various methods. There is no doubt that guests need to respect the country’s traditions where they travel. Moreover, they need to learn and practice the local’s customs like dressing properly and not going the prohibited areas. Otherwise, they can be unsafe and discriminated against by the people from the host country. For example, some countries do not allow to wear normal clothes for women due to their customs. If the visitors fail to do that kind of restriction, they can be endangered and punished by the respective government or society.
On the other hand, there would be difficult for foreigners to follow all the customs because every region has their own unique culture. In addition, if the visitors are paying attention to the local community’s disciplines then they may not enjoy their trip. To solve this kind of issue, they should inspect local traditions before they go to that place. For instance, they can search some restricted key items and areas online before they travel to that location .
To conclude, people should understand and behave appropriately when they travel to other countries or regions. In my opinion, even though ethics and manners are based on a person’s attitudes, we have to interact friendly with the locals where we are going .
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Thesis statement is ambiguous (keep it pretty clear)
Grammatical Range needs a little bit of work. Use of modal verbs, conditional sentences.
Lexical resource could be improved as well.
Good work in terms of the sentence complexity and confidence. However the first body paragraph does not conform to the standard writing practises, the argument has been stretched quite a lot and example there’s not take enough space in the paragraph.
Band Score: 4.5/6.0
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Information technology has become an integral part of our life. It has changed and shaped our lives at home, leisure, and work to such an extent that now it is difficult to separate. Though there are some negatives on the topic, (yet) the positives supersede them.
The downside of information technology has some rational reasons. In today’s world, it seems the only constant is the continuous rapid advancement taking place in the IT sector. Nowadays, human interaction is dramatically decreasing as people are mostly busy with their heads (buried) into mobile screens. Chronic exposure to multiple digital screens is posing an alarming threat to eyes which makes the eyes dry and weak. The propensity to evolve as self-sustaining individual is also getting strained due to being heavily dependent on internet for all kinds of things. The internet has fostered the rise of social media. People are literally living a virtual life on such applications and (it) has resulted in no boundaries of privacy. All such aspects are causing an emotional turmoil and impacting the quality of life of an individual.
However, the upside of furtherance of technology has innumerable benefits. With support from technology, the whole world revolves at one’s fingertip. In today’s tough world, things and processes have become straightforward. One can connect with a person living across an ocean in a matter of few seconds, can find easy solutions to difficult questions, contains abundant information (not consistent with the sentence) , are just a few of the many worthy reasons. Technology has also enabled businesses to reduce costs in various ways. Companies can now access market, customer, and other information to help them make more informed decisions. Therefore, the world has developed into a global village due to the help of information technology (by) allowing sharing of ideas and information with each other.
Overall, information technology has brought some negative effects however, one cannot be ignorant to the blessings of such advancements. (the conclusion has to be more explicit : the advantages heavily outweigh the disadvantages)
Band Score according to weightage: 5.0/6.0
Pay attention to the remarks.
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with “adept” we use ‘at’
attract customers the stores run multiple benefits (offers)
several is plural…… And several more which make it difficult for local businesses to compete with.
Even though supermarkets provide
in the conclusion paragraph you need to give a clear indication that you’re ending your essay by including words like “in conclusion, to incapsulate, to sum it up, etc..”
There is a coherence issue in the introduction and conclusion paragraph. They are contradicting each other.
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Excellent piece of writing Mithusha
Good use of vocabulary and sufficient complexity in the sentences. Range is also excellent.
It provides the basic information that is needed…(You earlier mentioned Adverts -in plural….should have used ‘they’)…
Band Score: 5.0/6.0
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We are encouraged by advertisement..
We see so many advertisements…
One of my friends who works with…
He never wears most of them…
People why a lot of things which are cheap..
Actually do not have any requirement for the purchased product….
We see them everywhere like on TV…
Grammatical accuracy needs to be improved. You’re making errors in tenses and verb forms along with that subject verb agreement is also not good.
You can work with more good vocabulary as well as you need to include a few more different types of sentences to increase the range of your sentences.
Band Score: 3.0/6.0
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Grammatical accuracy is fine, however Range is limited.
This essay actually contradicts your own opinion. In the introduction you mentioned that you are taking one side however in the second body paragraph you talked about the other opinion. In these kinds of essays stick to one side of the opinion otherwise you will be marked down in coherence.
Band Score : 4.0/6.0
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Excellent presentation of writing skills, no grammatical errors which is excellent. Lexical resources are utilised beautifully and in enough quantity. Sentence complexity is brilliant.
Band score: 8.5/9.0
Band score actual weightage: 5.5/6.0
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Different social practises in different countries and (use of which does not create a grammatically correct sentence) it is extremely difficult for one person to follow all of them…
Country is usually known for the traditions and culture…
Feedback: written with proper structure and good command over the language, however they were few grammatical errors mentioned above make sure not to do them once again. Lexical resources are utilised properly and there is enough complexity in the sentences.
Tip: Could use more linking words and complicated conjunctions to improve the quality of the sentences.
Band score: 7.5/9.0.
Mind score actual weightage: 5.0/6.0
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Some of them believe that they must know..
Who visits any country must be aware of the culture…
Before they visit the place they must be aware of the culture
If somebody plans to visit Russia
Too much about the other country’s culture..
You cannot drink alcohol as/since it’s against the culture
Feedback: its structure is good enough however there are so many grammatical errors that we need to take care of. Also you need to work upon your lexical resources and sentence complexity. Grammar range also needs a lot of work, need to try and make more complex and compound sentences with some linking words.
Band score: 6.0/9.0
Band score actual weightage: 3.5/6.0
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Visitors do not follow these traditions…
Women wear black clothes which cover their whole body…
So that they do not suffer any discrimination…
Travelling to those countries which impose strict regulations…
Related to their customs—repeated phrase…
Feedback: structure is sound and clear. Need to work upon your grammatical accuracy. All the errors mentioned above are very simple things to look out for.
Band Score: 6.5/9.0 :
Weightage for actual score: 4.0/6.0
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Also does make people feel energetic…
he interior decorations instead of having (not needed) dull colors like grey and yellow…
Excellent effort, with good use of lexical resources. Sentence complexity is adequate as well. Pay tension to small grammatical errors.
Band Score: 5.0/6.0
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Everything there, is designed …
Visual Sights also impact…
Children Love to play with colours since different objects coloured in different shades attract their attention and make them….
Grammatical accuracy is suffering a lot specifically in subject verb agreement…..
Coherence and cohesion also needs work
Lexical resources are insufficient.
Band Score: 3.5/6.0
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Productivity of the employees has (no been) increased..
Flower pots were (no made) settled along the walls..
that the patient , admitted to these rooms , showed (you did not make a perfect sentence) 150 percent increment…..
Range is a little drawback here…..use of modals is absent.
Tremendous effort Mohit. you have come a long way in terms of your writing skills. I am pretty impressed.
Band Score: 5.0/6.0
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patients recuperate fast (in hospital)…..if you don’t finish the sentence with hospital the context still attaches with office…
peoples..people (itself plural, no need to add ‘s’)
Very nice for the first attempt. Grammatical range should be improved. Some subject verb agreement focus is required.
Lexical resources are well used.
Band Score: 4.5/6.0
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inevitable means=something that can not be stopped from happening…..Proper word should be = imperative/pivotal
The last sentence of the first body paragraph: Imagine how the doctor would feel…
Other than that, no more things to point out….commendable use of lexical resources and sentence complexity.
Band Score: 5.5/6.0 -
Impressive piece of writing. You use quite complicated sentences with complex and compound sentences. There is use of conditional as well as model verbs. Range is adequate. Lexical resources have been used properly and evenly across the paragraphs. Grammatical accuracy is exceptional and I have nothing to point out. (Phrasing of some sentences could have been better though= I can either choose to travel from Uber or a 4 to go on Metro rail by booking on mobile phone (Mobile simply means on the move), (we have comfortable multiple transport avenues= we have multiple comfortable transport avenues)
This essay is reaching the C2 level in CEFR
Band Score Weightage: 5.5/6.0
