Faculty Abhinav
FacultyForum Replies Created
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My
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Sample from another student:
The bar chart compares and contrasts data on the differences tin the levels of air pollution in terms of 3 various causes: electricity generation, transport and industry in China, America, Japan and Australia in 2012, measured in PPM.
A closer look at the bar chart highlights the fact that China had the most polluted air while Australia’s atmostphere was the least pollution compared to other places. Besides, electricity generation produced the lowest levels of air pollution, expected Australia.
Looking at China and Japan, industry was the greatest factors of all, with 80 PPM and nearly 43 PPM respectively, while electricity manufacture caused the least in both countries, around 59 PPM and 15 PPM. 70 PPM was caused by transportation in China which was 2 times more than that one in Japan ( 30 PPM).
With different trend, America was the only nation where transpotation was the highest effect of air pollution, bringing the value up to approximately 58 PPM, followed by industry and electricity generation, at 38 PPM and 30 PPM, respectively.
In contrast, the 3 figures in Australia showed a relatively similar effect on air pollution, being under 20 PPM, around 18 PPM in transportation and industry and nearly 19 PPM for generating electricity.
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Stock= Stalk
Teach public people? =Teach People
5.0/6.0
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However I completely disagree with this..
No grammatical errors to mention here, however the sentence complexity is not enough. There were a lot of opportunities to join multiple sentences together that you missed. For example:
To begin with I strongly believe in the notion that if people are not satisfied with the job it would affect their mental peace that I can cooperate with the situation that happened to me in my first job where I did not get the role I desired but the company offered me a handsome salary for a different role which ultimately I took……(no break required)
“Use more lexical resources”
Use more cohesive devices to start the paragraph.
Band score weightage: 4.0/6.0
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Mohit this was agree or disagree essay, you did not provide a thesis statement in your introduction, which is required in these kinds of essays.
This was an exceptional writing. I’m pretty impressed with your sentence construction and use of vocabulary. You try to include a lot of uncommon words which is an upgrade in your writing. The best thing is that I did not find any grammatical errors. Commendable work.
Band score weightage: 5.5/6.0…. Half of the band is deducted only for structural anomaly in introduction.
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Psychiatrist -people- is not required
Salaries are not lucrative jobs are…
Except these mistakes, it is written beautifully. The sentences are constructed with ample complexity. Lexical resources are utilised properly and in relevant places.
Band score weightage: 5.0/6.0
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This was an impressive piece of writing. Excellent use of lexical resources as well as the sentence construction is also commendable. On the side note, the views presented are pragmatic and well thought of. All in all, praiseworthy effort.
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Returned back(Back is not required here)
It wasn’t their? there
Excellent letter Seema. Except the one mistake that I mentioned it was all flawless.
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Perfect in terms of the structure. You describe all the bullet points properly but you could have you some cohesive devices to make the sentence is a little more complicated since there was opportunity. Other than that no complaints
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Rajesh this was not actually a complaint letter. The question is only mentioning that you lost an item and fortunately you have to travel insurance to cover the cost of anything lost.
You are just supposed to describe the three bullet points mentioned in the question itself. You did not mention any of the points in your letter. You did not describe the appearance of your baggage. You did not describe how you lost it and also you did not tell what the insurance company needs to do in order to give you the reimbursement for the same..
As far as the language, grammatical accuracy and lexical resources are concerned, it is a pretty well written complaint letter, however this is not the task that was assigned. So task achievement will take away all the points.
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This is your first writing task and I am aware that you have not been told about the proper structure. I will be just explaining a few points.
You have a very good flow of points. I couldn’t find any grammatical errors which is an excellent thing.
The structure has already been shared with you. Please look at it and I’m sure that you will be able to understand it pretty clearly and next time you will perform exceptionally.
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The word cognitive is not used in correct context. Should have made a different sentence or use a different word.
This indirectly forsakes a requirement
This is a pretty good essay. Tried to use a lot of good words. Coherence in cohesion is also good enough. Try not to make these simple grammatical errors next time.
Band score weightage 5.5/6.0
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Even though (when= not required) the child is not interested
I would like to talk about your structure a little bit.. Do not mix advantages and disadvantages in the same paragraph. This will lead to mark downs in coherence. The first and the second body paragraphs you did the same thing. When you are talking about the advantages just focus on the advantages and describe disadvantages in the next paragraph. This is a grave mistake in IELTS writing.
I couldn’t find so many grammatical errors though, which is a good thing, however I did not find proper use of lexical resource as well. Try including some good words and evenly spread them out.
Band score weightage: 3.5/6.0 (most of the points deducted due to structure)
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Thesis statement is missing in introduction.
Excellent structure. Task achievement is hundred percent. Good use of lexical resources. You have made a very good effort to make it grammatically accurate.
The other side of the fact is that supermarkets are also crucial because we get expansive collection of items under a single roof.
Band score weightage: 4.5/6.0
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The introduction does not contain your opinion. Even the last sentence of your introduction is grammatically incorrect. You missed out a few helping verbs and also the usage of word lenient is wrong.
youth have either resorted to immigration or they are languishing in jobless situation.
Rest of the writing is fine in terms of grammatical accuracy.
Good use of vocabulary and grammatical range is also satisfactory.
Band Score weightage: 4.5/6.0
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The structure and the content written in your essay is not answering the question. You are also going off topic. The question asks whether closure of local businesses affects local communities. You haven’t given an example of closing down the businesses and its effect. You need to compare supermarkets and local shopkeepers and try to explain both views.
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Your introduction is not according to the IELTS parameters. You have mentioned some reasons in your introduction which should not be there. Put all your reasons in the body paragraphs instead of introduction.
Your first body paragraph is not giving a reason but you are telling about the benefits of local shopkeepers. That is not something the question is asking. You are going off topic.
Even the second body paragraphs follows the same style. You’re supposed to give you reasons why or why not supermarkets are cannibalise in the local shops along with examples.
I’m not going to give you a BAND score for this since it does not follow the question.
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On one hand, no need of article
Could use a little more grammatical range. However that is sufficient to give you a good score.
Task achievement complete
Grammatical accuracy good
Lexical resources are utilised properly in relevant places
Coherence and cohesion can be improved by incorporating more cohesive devices in conjunctions.
Band score a weightage: 5.0/6.0
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Written beautifully Harsaroop.. It follows the structure appropriately and there is a logical flow in your writing. You did try to use some lexical resource provided in the class. You have done a tremendous job in your first attempt here.
There are 2-3 grammatical errors, nothing major however range can be improved and worked upon. Conclusion became a little bit longer than required.
Band score weightage 3.5/6.0
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Certain section of people believes..
An better idea?? A better idea
Why there is a question mark in the first sentence of the body paragraph 1?
Each and every individuals= individual
There is no proper example in your first one paragraph everything that you have written is just point of you and concepts. You need to give some example which looks like a real event that happened which proves your mentioned points.
Again in the second body paragraph there is no proper example.
Grammatical accuracy needs work as there are so many grammatical errors. Also the structure needs to be improved.
Band score weightage: 2.5/6.0
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Introduction is too long for an IELTS essay introduction. As I mentioned in the discussion in the class and introduction only consists of paraphrasing of the question and a thesis statement that’s it. You have mentioned quite a few points in your introduction which could have been written in the body paragraphs.
The first body paragraph itself is very short and it does not follow the instructions given in the class. It needs to have a sentence which declares your reason, further more you need to elaborate your reasons and ultimately you need to provide some examples.
There are also a lot of grammatical errors that are noted in your writing. You did try to include a lot of good vocabulary words however since the structure is not correct it’s not going to help your score.
Band score weightage: 2.0/6.0
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Introduction could have been a little longer (most of it is only related to the money not the importance of celebrating such a Events)
Task achievement incomplete. You did not talk about the importance of celebrating such Events in details. This alone takes away 25% of your score.
Sentence construction has got enough variety, complexity. There are a few grammatical errors noted. Lack of lexical resources..
Band Score: 3.5/6.0
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Neha, since the beginning till the end, you have made an attempt to increase the complexity of the sentences, however, it did not pan out the way you expected. Most of the sentences that you’re joined with multiple cohesive devices, fell out of the meanings. In the initial phase I would like you to make simpler sentences so that your grammatical accuracy is maintained. This alone will stop you from getting a good band score in writing.
There are plenty of grammatical errors which are of course the result of complex sentence framing. Which I assume will decrease gradually with a little more practice. A general recommendation based on your writing skills and grammatical errors, you will be benefited with a personal training in English.
I’m not giving you a score because that would be unfair, and might demotivate you.
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Praveen, this is not the actual way to write a report in Ielts. Do not put any opinion or conclusions or inferences anywhere. The first line that you started with is an opinion which is not going to work here. You need to prepare a report. I will write another report here look at that and take example
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Excellently written letter.
You could have written in line: “the address and the directions are attached with the letter, so that you don’t find it difficult to reach.”
Apart from that I do not have any other feedback.
Job well done.
Band Score: 2.5/3.0
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great
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Spending money on arts is considered a waste of money by few people and it should be spent on other sectors. In my opinion, I totally agree with them for several reasons that I will explain in the next few paragraphs.
To begin with, there are many essential sectors such as health and education that need to (be maintained) all the time. For example, building new schools to accommodate the increasing number of students. Also, investing in the medical research field is crucial to develop treatments that cure chronic diseases. Another points is that, sustaining and improving the infrastructure for the country to attract more international tourists is required globally. For instance, more funds should be spent on constructing stadiums, hotels and amusement parks that increase the rate of tourism.
On the other hand, if the government pays more attention to the arts by spending the majority of its cash on it, there will nothing left for the rest of the fields. To elaborate, investing in street-art drains out the pocket of the country with no benefit for the important areas other than adding more colors to the buildings and streets. Furthermore, arts are considered a privilege for the well-developed countries which only the wealthy people, who secured a high level of living, can afford to pay to enjoy such art. For instance, rich persons are willing to pay a fortune to buy a painting for(from) a famous artist while poor people from the same area are struggling to provide food on their family’s table.
In conclusion, I believe that the governments’ funds should be spent on the basic vital sectors that serve their people in the best way.
Feedback:
It’s an excellent effort.
No grammatical errors, Kudos!
Writing is structurally sound
Enough good words are used (there is room for more)
Band Score: 5.5/6.0
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Open-air activities are considered by few people to be more useful for kids’ development than video games. In my opinion, I totally agree with them for several reasons (which I will be explaining in the next few paragrpahs)
At first, external (outdoor) sports are essential for the children’s physical health which is an important part of their growth. For example, cycling can improve their strength, balance and coordination. Furthermore, outdoor(field) exercises can improve the little ones’ social behavior through interaction with their peers. To elaborate, playing football teaches them teamwork and enhances their abilities to communicate with others efficiently.
On the contrary, playing computer games can have positive effects on young ones. While expanding their imagination, they improve their strategic thinking skills. For instance, space war games challenge the players to come up with defending strategies to overcome their opponents. Moreover, when teenagers spend most of their time on electronic gaming, they are avoiding committing dangerous acts on the streets. This is because their time is occupied already and they don’t think about wild adventures such as dangerous sports, stealing cars or fighting with their friends.
However, there are some disadvantages to video games. Due to the limited physical interaction(movement), players may develop some serious health issues including muscle and joint illnesses. Although computer gaming provides some safety for the community, it isolates the kids from their family and society and severely affects their mental health.
In conclusion, children can benefit from both external activities and computer games if they utilize them wisely. The advantages of outdoor sports can be more beneficial for the young members of society than the computerized ones.
Feedback:
Except the highlighted words everything looks fine in terms of sentence construction.
In terms of the structure, the essay seems a little scattered in opinion. The consistency is missing. You agreed that outdoor activities are better than video games but in the conclusion you made the opinion ambiguous, it needs to be consistent with your thesis statement.
Area of improvement:
Lexical Ability (use more sophisticated vocabulary wherever possible.)
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Shoaib this one is much better.
some grammatical errors , but mostly it was fine.
Subject verb agreement has to be worked upon, most mistakes are in singular plural
Band Score: 4.0/6.0
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Feedback:
Excellent work for the first attempt.
structure is good for IELTS
Band Score: 5.0/6.0
