Faculty Shahbaz
FacultyForum Replies Created
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* Some multi-clause sentences have structural defects. That’s the most noticeable problem.
Score: 4/6
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Currently, people have to visit the shopping center which is 4 km from this place. Having a place to shop which is within walking distance will make residents life much easier. People can visit the center any time and any day which was not the case earlier as they had to plan according to their schedule due to distance.
While I understand the construction will start from next month, I would like to know if there are any plans for traffic diversion as this street gets very busy during office hours. Also, if you could advise would the center also have a theater and play zone for kids.
(“if you could advise would….” Is incorrect. Perhaps, you meant to ask ‘I would also like to know whether…. )
The nearest theater is around 7km away and one doesn’t always travel that far. Having a theater nearby along with a kids zone will surely attract more crowds.
Looking forward for hear from you.
Yours faithfully,
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* In this context, “finishing school’ is the correct expression, not ‘finishing their schools’.
* “Every situation has a set of benefits and drawbacks” – I believe that a generalization like this one is not very useful in a thesis outline. Please check out the thesis outlines in the sample essays.
* Even though the expression ‘upcoming future’ is very common in Indian English, it is most likely non-standard.
* “an year” is wrong. It is ‘a year’. The ‘y’ in the word is pronounced. Please confirm this for yourself.
* It looks like the ‘Nonetheless’ in the second paragraph was used incorrectly. Usually ‘nonetheless’ is followed by something that would be surprising in light of what was said before it. Here, it doesn’t seem to be the case.
5/6
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* “Last month I enrolled a course in your institute that” (Last month, I enrolled for a course…)
* “One of my team members got injured and on leave for two weeks” (one of my team members for injured and is on leave for….)
4.5/6
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* ‘mentor’ would not work as a synonym of ‘teacher’. It’s much more specific.
* ‘sharpen the career’ does not collocate well.
* “and students often misbehaved with teachers” (misbehave with their teachers)
* “fewer salaries” would be incorrect in this context. Please look up ‘few’ vs ‘less’ to see the difference.
* “Educators should have some power that able them to scold the high” (‘enable’ in the place of ‘able’ )
4/6
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* Look up ‘less’ vs ‘few’.
* ” as it nurture young minds” (as it nurtures…)
* “teaching remains to be one of the most underpaid jobs” (‘to be’ is unnecessary. ‘teaching remains one of the…’ is sufficient. )
*”hold them in high regards” (please check ‘regard’ vs ‘regards’. I believe the correct expression is ‘hold in high regard)
5/6
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* subject-verb agreement errors.
“school teachers does lot of work” (do a lot of work)
“people shows” (people show…)
* “the cause of the problem is teachers” (is that teachers…)
* I don’t think it is necessary to capitalize the first letter of fields such as ‘finance’ unless we are referring to them as a subject taught in school or university etc.
* “So next generation people does not have interested to work as a teacher.” ( are not interested to work as teachers …. or ‘does not have any interest in working as teachers)
4/6
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* “don’t give much attention to the query asked by someone to them.” (don’t pay attention to the queries that they are asked) <– would sound better.
*” it is the place where any outsider visit the first to enquire about something” Suggested improvement –> (Since the reception area is the first place that an outside would visit when they need to make an enquiry, it is important to make sure that it looks splendid and well-organized)
4.5/6
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* “The majority of the complaint ” (The majority of the complaints…)
“The majority of the complaint was about people who visit our company for the first time, feels difficult to find the location.” (The majority of the complaints were about how people who visit our company for the first time find it difficult to get to the location)
* I’m not sure about ‘iteration manner’. Please check whether this is correct.
* “So that it will be ease for people to reach their destination without confusion.” (so that it will be easier for people/ easy for people)
* “I hope my suggestion will reduce the petition against about the reception area.” (‘reduce the petition against…’ doesn’t sound right. I assume that you used ‘petition’ as a synonym of ‘complaint’. I would have ended the letter with something to the effect of ‘I hope my suggestion will help improve the reception area’.
4/6
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* “interpersonal skills like work as team members” (skills like working as team members / skills like team work)
* “The new employees have not been any experience of corporate etiquette” (have not had any experience…) [‘have not been any experience’ would be incorrect. Usually, we say ‘to have an experience’ or ‘to have experience in [a particular field] ]
* Although ‘unawareness’ is listed as word in some dictionaries, I am not sure if it’s the right word in this context. I would just use ‘ignorance of’ here.
4.5/ 6
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* “positives and negative effects on lives of ” (positive and negative effects on the lives of…)
* “this might result to have detremental ..” (this might result in detrimental impact…)
* “can lead to wither away more hobbies” (can lead to the withering away of…. [‘wither away’ might not be apt in this context)
* Some problems with the use of articles.
* Word choice and sentence structure, although free from serious errors, can still be improved.
4/6
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* “pros and cons effects” does not collocate well.
* The use of ‘enable’ in the second sentence of the first body paragraph is incorrect. Perhaps, you meant to say ‘people are able to’.*”online marketing influence individual” (online marketing influences individuals… )
*”if a person is purchased luxury items” (if a person purchases…)
*”people, who do not want to buy useless things, have” – The commas here were not necessary at all. Look up ‘relative clause when to use commas)
4/6
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* Make sure you use ‘more’ only when there is an obvious or implied comparison. “She is more intelligent than him”. Using it in a sentence where the comparison is not obvious can cause confusion like “People are more obsessed to groom themselves.” Perhaps, in these sentences you should be using intensifiers like ‘really’ .
* The verb ‘obsess’ is usually used with ‘with’ e.g. “He is obsessed with ….”
* Please look up ‘dress’ vs ‘clothes’ , in the third sentence of the first body paragraph, ‘clothes’ or ‘attire’ would have been more apt than ‘dress’.
* ‘On line’ — ‘online’
*”So many businesses has been” (have been)
*If ‘showcase’ is used as a verb, it’s written without any space in between.
4/6 -
* “in these days” (the ‘in’ is not needed here. “Shopping is popular these days” would be sufficient)
*”the reasons of its popularity” (‘the reasons for its popularity’ would be better)
* “Due to the trend of online shopping , it becomes even more famous” (‘It has become even more popular’ is what I would use)
*”Some online websites provide a good amount of discounts on products ,that lead to enhance the sell of the products.” ( ‘good amount of discounts’ does not collocate well. I would use ‘attractive discounts’. “enhance the sell of the products” does not sound right. You probably meant ‘sales’ in the place of ‘sell”)
*”mostly youngsters influenced by” (youngsters are influenced by)
*”a busy weekdays” (‘a (adjective) weekdays’ would not work. ‘a busy week’ would work)
*”weekdays, Shopping” ( ‘shopping’ should not have been capitalized after a comma)
*”On the other side, excessive of anything is not good” (since ‘excessive’ is an adjective, this sentence would be incorrect. You could say ‘an excess of …” )
* However, people must make a balance between ” (‘find a balance’ is better than ‘make a balance’)
4/6
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*”and it’s (its) impact on individuals and society.”
* Some adjectives and adverbs sound a bit unusual with the nouns that they accompany e.g. “prevalently popular”.
*”thus getting more inclined towards shopping
* I assume that the sentence starting with “While shopping can be used as” was meant to be a part of the second body paragraph and not a separate paragraph.
*”If one beings mindful of their spending” (the ‘beings’ in this sentence does not seem correct. Perhaps you meant ‘If one is mindful…”
5/6
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* I don’t think the use of ‘lag’ in the first sentence is appropriate.
* “because they do not have exposure to the corporate world” (This is not grammatically incorrect. However, I think ‘because they have not been exposed to’ sounds better)
* “not develop their interpersonal skills instead they make” ( a comma was needed after ‘skills’)
* The verb ‘make’ is usually not used with ‘to’ (e.g. “They make him work hard” not ”make him to work hard”)*”In training period freshers are learning only about the technology.” ( I assume that, here, you wanted to make a general point about training periods. In that case, “During their training period, freshers only learn about…” would have been better. The simple present tense in the place of the present continuous since a general point is being made)
*”Many activities has to be” (have to be)
4/6
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[words in bold are corrections]
* The essay is much longer than it needs to be. Although there is no upper word limit in the writing test, a longer essay might contain irrelevant ideas. In this essay, it does seem at times like you have tried to include many ideas. Check out the sample Task 2 essays that I shared with you. Carefully look at how the ‘topic sentence(s)’ of each paragraph (the first sentence) is then elaborated in the ‘supporting sentences’ that follow it. Very often, what we need is not more ideas, but better articulation and ‘expansion’ of the ideas we present.
* “this deficiency of skills occurs“
* “it becomes inevitable to escape the rat race” (The meaning that this sentence is trying to convey is not clear. Are you saying it’s necessary/important to escape the rat race? If so, ‘inevitable’ would not fit here.
* “adequate exposure to real life circumstances.”
* In my opinion, ‘significantly essential’ does not collocate well.
* Please check if ‘go complacent’ is correct. I think it should be ‘become complacent’Overall, your essay demonstrates excellent range and accuracy in grammar and vocabulary.
5/6
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* Please review ‘maximum adults’
* In the first sentence ,it should be ‘despite having completed’ . Check out some sentence examples with ‘despite’
* The first sentence in the second paragraph is not clear. The comparison seems incomplete. Please review the sentence.
* ” can be balanced these responsibilities” — ‘can balance these responsivities’
* ‘which face by them’ –> ‘problems which they face’ or perhaps ‘problems which are faced by them’
4/6
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* “even though more adults have” – The use of ‘more’ in this sentence changes the meaning a bit. I shall elaborate in the class.
*Please review the use of ” argue the advantages”
* “will be gaining more experience” – I think ‘would gain more experience’ is better.
* Please review ‘In addition to it’ , I am only familiar with ‘In addition to that’ and ‘In addition’* ‘Now a days’ is written as a single word -> ‘nowadays’
* ‘old age homes are getting increased.’ / ‘are increasing in number’ would be better.
4/6
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* Some instances of unnecessary capitalization e.g. ‘Good advice’.
*’The two main advantages to live with parents’ – ‘advantages of living with..’ is better.
* “provides them opportunity to” (provides them the opportunity to)
*”help the children in household chores ” (‘help the children with’ would sound better here)
* “although living with parents have minor disadvantages” (‘living with parents has…’ since the subject is essentially ‘living’ and not ‘parents’. Look up ‘error of proximity)4/6.
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* ” it’s own set of benefits” (its own set of…) [look up ‘it’s’ vs ‘its’]
* Please review use of ‘root’ as a verb in ‘This tradition roots’ , ‘this tradition has its roots in…’ might be better.
*”can be ensured to be provided”. Some grammarians disapprove of ‘double passive’.
*’Parents are significantly responsible to incorporate essential’ – ‘significantly’ here doesn’t seem to fit.
Overall, your sentences show an advanced grasp of grammar. Our goal is to demonstrate variety in sentence structure without ending up with contrived, complicated structures.
Synonyms are not the only way to avoid repetition. Omissions and proper referencing can also help us avoid repetition. I shall elaborate this in class.
Score 5/6.
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* “that people in senior position have the right to take decisions,”
(You probably meant to write “that only people in senior positions”, because the essay is not about whether they have the right to take decisions, it’s about whether only they should have that right or whether others should be included in that process.
* Please look up “staff” vs “staffs” , in most situations ‘staff’ without the plural ‘s’ would work even when we are talking about many people.
* some verb form problems “some confidential information (being discussed) might be discussed in the meeting, so it is considered that the decisions should be made by managers.”
“As we concern about the security” (As we are concerned…) – Please review the use of concern here, look up some sentence examples.
* Look up sentence examples with ‘plethora’, it is usually used with articles ‘a plethora of/the plethora of ‘depending on the sentence.
* in my opinion ‘On the flip side’ is too informal for an IELTS essay.
*”This also enhance” enhances
4/6
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* to an only higher level –> to higher levels only
*”I believe employees’ views taken into consideration while making any decision for the company.” Perhaps you meant ‘should be taken into’
*Passive voice error “that employees should include” —> “should be included”
“should not overlook” —> “should not be overlooked”
*(missing comma) before ‘then’ in “if they are also included in decision – making process then[,] it will help the organisation in achieving the right decision.”
4/6
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* A couple of incorrect word choices (they didn’t fit well in the sentences) – indulge,
* I wouldn’t use ‘let us see’ in the thesis statement. Check out a few thesis statements in sample essays.
*Problems with plural nouns . “make decision” in second paragraph should be ‘decisions’
*’underestimate’ is written as a single word, no space.
* In the conclusion, you probably meant ‘better not to include juniors’
4/6
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*whereas + ‘on the other hand’ in the same sentence could be redundant.
*’discuss about’ is unnecessary. ‘discuss’ can be used without ‘about’ (“discuss an issue”)
* ” a company possess” It should be “possesses” .
* Some word choices can be improved. Overall, there is good control over sentence structure and punctuation.5/6
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“Next, visiting abroad does comes<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”> (does come) with a lot of expenditure. “
Some word choices felt like they could be improved. The grammar is mostly error-free.
Score : 5/6
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* Please ignore the paragraph with all the code in between.
You should have used ‘their’ in the place of ‘there’ and ‘at’ is not needed with the verb reach. “I reached Mumbai” not “reached at Mumbai”
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* “some crowd” is incorrect if you mean “some people”.
* “information is” not “information are”
“As it is lucid that, visiting different nations can give deep and sound experiences.”
* “the comma after ‘that’ is unnecessary. We do not use commas after ‘that’ in sentences like ‘It is clear that ….’
“This is because, as someone visits a place they are more likely to get connected with the society. For instance, they learn and experience different languages (and) accents while asking <s style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>there </s>(<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>their) way to reach <s style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>at </s>certain destinations”
“Overall, understanding values of that particular area”
*This sentence is incomplete.
“It is interesting to note that, since the introduction”
* The comma in this sentence too is unnecessary. Look up ‘that clause’ and check out some sentence examples.
* In most cases, ‘although’ and ‘but’ cannot be used in the same sentence.
Score estimate: 4.5/6
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* errors related to the use of articles
* multi-clause sentences sometimes contain errors.
Score : 4/6
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Do not use the exclamation mark in an IELTS essay.
To sum up, I would say that you did a good job with grammar and vocabulary. It is clear to see that you are able to express yourself well and also proofread what you’ve written. However, the main problems are with task response (the ideas sometimes lose focus) and internal paragraph structure.
Essay Score : 4.5/6
